I wake up every morning thinking about what’s on my plate for the day. If I wake up past 8/8:30 I beat myself up some for not getting up earlier and blame my lack of getting everything done on the fact that I slept too late. If I don’t get everything done, I blame it on the fact that I spend too much aimless time on social media. My lists are usually too long to complete in one day anyway, yet I get mad when I don’t get it all done.
When I don’t say the perfect things and lose my composure, I think about it long after everyone has long forgotten about it. When I don’t know how to voice my frustrations, I get mad at myself for not knowing how to handle my emotions better.
All of my perfectionist tendencies have seemed to be amplified in the midst of COVID-19. To be honest, I haven’t felt that productive. I have a hard time working from home. My house is usually my resting place, but it’s felt more like a war room the past few months. With nowhere to go, every task is completed from the comfort of my home.
Except it hasn’t been that comforting. I get a little restless being in the same place for too long. I’m far too used to being able to hop from one coffee shop to another to get my work done or going to school and spending time in the classrooms instead of learning in an online classroom every night.
It’s hard to go from having a schedule that was packed to an empty calendar that gives me the freedom to work when I want, and I haven’t liked the lack of structure in my weeks.
I was talking with a friend the other day and we talked about the turbulence of this flight we’re on. Some days it’s smooth sailing with no clouds in sight, and other days it feels like we’re flying straight into the fiercest storm.
Although the turbulence of the past few months has been tumultuous, I’ve given myself no grace for the situation we’ve been in. Regardless of the fact that we’re facing a global pandemic, I haven’t allowed myself to truly grieve the loss of all that has happened the past few months.
I’ve tried to keep pushing forward, but instead I’ve been pushing myself to the point of exhaustion. My spirit feels worn down for constantly trying to keep up with all that I should be doing not realizing it’s okay to not be perfect. And it would be okay to not be perfect even if COVID-19 hadn’t happened.
What I’ve failed to remember is my story is bigger than me. My pastor recently said, “Jesus is the star and we’re the supporting actors.”
He isn’t looking for someone who is perfect; in fact, He’s looking for quite the opposite. Broken vessels are His favorite ships. While we may be sinking, what we realize is that we cannot rely on our own strength to recover from the holes in our story.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9
God desires to come in and fill those gaps, but we have to be willing to invite Him into our brokenness.
When I fail to show myself grace, I begin to fail to show those around me grace which leads to frustration about other people’s imperfections. That isn’t fair to anyone.
Lord, I will trust Your power over my situation.
As I’m writing this, I’m listening to a Christian music playlist and a song has just started playing that I don’t know. The lyrics are saying over and over “Be kind to yourself.” Y’all can’t tell me that the Lord isn’t funny.
This week I’m going to focus on showing myself grace and remembering that everyone around me deserves grace too.
For from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. – John 1:16
p.s. the song that was playing is called “Be Kind To Yourself” by Andrew Peterson if you want to give it a listen!
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