Now that the world is slowly opening back up, I feel my schedule growing more and more consumed with things to do, places to go, and people to see. And I feel so grateful for it! But I also feel overwhelmed from going 0 to 100 so quick. I went from no job for 5 months to a full-time role. I went from rarely feeling comfortable seeing people to being fully vaccinated and feeling fine being around my pals.
It’s like the opposite of what happened a year ago. I went from a really jam packed schedule to nothing at all. And now I’m trying to define the balance that needs to be in place so I maintain good health – mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I’ve learned a lot about taking a day of rest in the past two years, and what I’ve mostly learned is that I’m no good at it. I’m no good at sitting still; I’m no good at having no plans; I’m no good at quieting the chaos around me. For so long I buried myself in things to do that I got a little lost in the organizations I belonged to and the friends I had and forgot where my heart and hope should lie: in Jesus.
I’ve been struggling lately spending time with Jesus. Just being honest. I haven’t felt like spending thoughtful time praying or reading His Word. I have felt like doing everything but that. And I still don’t feel like I’m back in a good rhythm of spending time with Him.
I think a lot of that is because I had been placing a lot of hope on myself and kept letting myself down. My pride kept taking a hit because I was seeking after things that weren’t meant for me. Now looking back, I see that. I believe that.
But I’m still working through those emotions. I’m also still working through the emotional toll the pandemic took on my soul. I can’t help but feeling like I lost a year of my 20s. Yes, I learned a lot. Yes, there were really good things that happened. But there was a lot of brokenness and bitterness intertwined. It was like kudzu wrapped around my soul, dimming the light and the good that was daring to break through.
And so for a little bit there, my soul felt a little drained. I recognized I wasn’t turning to God as often as I should. But I also recognized that I didn’t feel like doing much about it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Moses lately. He began on a journey that should’ve taken 11 days and instead it took 40 years. If the Israelites had listened to God they would’ve made it into the Promised Land in less than two weeks, but their unwillingness to trust in Him led them to go on a 40 year journey.
The Israelites sent spies to investigate where they were headed and they didn’t trust that God was leading them to something beautiful. They become hysterical. They formed a crowd mentality. Their rebellion didn’t lead to what God intended for them. Their rebellion led to distruction.
It led to Moses never entering the Promised Land.
I don’t want my journey to what God’s promised for me to take 40 years when it could take 11 days. I don’t want to fall into crowd mentality or becoming overwhelmed. I want to trust this plan, this season and I want to steward the time He has given me well.
So I’ll try and focus more on aligning my time and plans with what God’s calling me to. And I know it won’t be perfect, but I know He’s here with me in the trenches begging me to lean on Him instead of myself.
And I pray You’ll see the path God’s calling you too. And I’ll pray you start walking down that path instead of turning back down your own path. Don’t let it take 40 years to get to where God’s calling you next week.