I haven’t really felt like writing lately honestly. I haven’t felt like I have had anything worthy of saying and each time I went to write over the past month or so it just felt phony.
Nothing has been particularly wrong, but nothing has been particularly right either. Nashville hasn’t really felt like home lately. It has been really hard finding community, and I’ve been struggling with my church because it just feels like there is such a disconnect when it comes to the resources they lack for young adults.
I’ve seen that disconnect more and more as the dust begins to settle from the aftermath of Covid. How are churches caring for people my age? There are ministries for college kids and for married people, but I’m not seeing a lot for the 20 something “young professional” that’s seeking Christ-centered community.
And it’s kind of been baffling to me. In a city this big, why I haven’t I met a ton of people my age and why can I not find that community at church? I’ve started looking around at other churches seeing if there’s a disconnect at other places and I keep seeing the same thing: many people I know that are in the same season of life as me are feeling the same way.
Maybe that makes me sound attention-seeking, but I’m desperate for someone to pour into me. I’m desperate for community in my church that’s my age. And honestly I’m just sad. I’m restless and part of me would love to leave Nashville and go somewhere else but I don’t really know if that’s the answer.
In college, making friends wasn’t the easiest thing in the world, but there were endless opportunities for it. Organizations, sororities, college ministries, in your dorm, the list goes on. Luckily, I knew a few people when I moved here and I met a few friends in grad school, but otherwise what do you do? There aren’t a plethora of people my age at work; I can’t seem to find my place at church; and I just feel lonely. I’m not mad at God. I just feel disconnected. I keep calling for answers and I’m not really seeing anything, so I’m getting tired of asking.
I’m worn out and I don’t really feel like myself. I know it’s a season that will pass, but it feels endless. And it’s hard not comparing on social media. Friends look like they’re thriving in other cities. Friends are getting engaged. Friends are getting promoted. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know all that social media freely gives to me.
My sister graduated from college over the weekend and my grandparents got to come. (yay for vaccines!) When they were leaving, I told my granddad that it was good to see him and he replied “It’s good to be seen, isn’t it?”
It’s so good to be surrounded by people that really know and love you. In the midst of starting over and moving to a new city and beginning to feel settled, I was suddenly forced to return back home and pause the progress I felt being made when it came to finding community and feeling at home in my new city. I was then thrown back to my city to search for a job during the middle of pandemic and resume trying to find community. In between all of that, some of my new Nashville friends moved away. It’s been a little weird and I think it’s all starting to catch up to me.
It’s good to be seen. It’s good to be known. It’s freeing to know the love of Jesus, but my own self-limitations sometimes prevent me from experiencing all the goodness He has for me.
I feel a little stuck. And I honestly haven’t been praying that much about it. Have I been complaining about it? For sure. My heart and head have felt disconnected and I’ve been disinterested in listening to God. That is a terrible thing to be writing down, but it’s the truth! I don’t want to keep living behind this warped reality where every day with God is easy and effortless because a relationship with Him is hard work. I don’t have to earn His love, but I do have to work at a relationship with Him. I don’t want lukewarm, but I know that’s what it’s been lately.
The other morning, I walked outside to find a bird had pooped all over my car. I was so aggravated because I really did not have the time to go through a car wash before work that morning, but I was leaving straight from work to drive for 5 hours and really didn’t want that all over my car while driving.
So, I went to the car wash before work. And on that Friday morning, while I was sitting in the car wash I thought about how strange it is that after a certain point of entering the car wash, I put my car in neutral, take my hands off the wheel, and let the car wash do all the work.
And I got choked up sitting there thinking about how that’s what God repeatedly has been asking me to do. I may be in the driver’s seat, but He is the one who is steering. He doesn’t let my car derail and He gives me the opportunity to see the rainbow of colors surrounding me.
His love is bathing me in new mercies every day.
I left the car wash, went to work, and came out to find my shiny car had already been pooped on again. So we’ll start again. We’ll wash the car and take the time to try and understand what God’s doing, searching for the rainbows even when it feels like the birds might strike again.