“I need answers.”
That’s a phrase I’ve said over and over during the past year to God, to friends, to family, to anyone really. I need answers why cancer happens or why mass shootings occur or why things don’t work out like I intended.
“I need answers, God.”
I’ve asked kindly. I’ve asked firmly. Still He waits to reveal it to me in His timing.
This was my favorite question as a child. I have always loved learning, fascinated about how everything works. It’s still one of my favorite questions, but now it seems to be less out of curiosity and more out of annoyance.
I want to get back to that childlike curiousity, asking questions out of wide-eyed wonder instead of because of annoyance with myself for not knowing the answers.
This morning, I was reading my devotional for the day and it is titled, “Having All the Answers Isn’t What I Need Most.”
Talk about an eye roll. Really Jesus? It’s 7 am and you know good and well I’d like some answers about questions I currently have.
But then as I read, a line struck me that said, “I remember Jesus had all the answers, and He still wept. (John 11:35) … Maybe not understanding is what grows our faith. Maybe being too full of answers is what slows our faith.”
I couldn’t even process it as I read. I went off to the gym, came back before work, and read it again before leaving. And then I left for work, came back, and read it again.
Jesus wept for his friend. He knew Lazarus would die and would rise again, but yet He still wept.
Jesus could identify with others in their sorrow. He had all of the answers. He knew what would happen to Lazarus. Yet He wept.
Have you ever read the end of a book before you even really begin it?
I remember once doing that with one of the Harry Potter books. I was in third grade and I was exhausted from waiting to find out what happens. Y’all know how long those books are. So I skipped ahead, and I quickly wished I hadn’t. I didn’t have a single desire to finish the book after reading the end.
Knowing the ending of this story, my story, is exactly what I want. I wish God would tell me how my life is going to turn out and where I’m going to live and who I’m going to be surrounded by and what I’ll be doing. But if I knew, would I be as interested in the messy in-between that gets me to those places?
I’ve wept with Jesus this year, but I’ve also felt my faith expedited in a way that I’ve never felt before. To be hungry for Jesus and to want to soak up every single last word in Scripture, it’s something I didn’t know I could feel this deeply. And I couldn’t have felt it without that messy middle.
What “why” questions are at the forefront of your mind and heart today? We can lock arms and release them together if you want. I need that accountability so I don’t go chasing down the answers that won’t satisfy anyway.
Thanks for reading, friend. Whoever you are, I’m cheering, loving, praying and thinking of you today.
(ps, like what you read? sign up for my newsletter here: http://eepurl.com/h6CtCf)
4 thoughts on “Jesus Wept.”
Such great thoughts. Powerful words. I have so many questions too. Being so compulsive I want to know why often. Planning to reread this often.💖💖💖💖
I love you so much and am so glad we got to talk last week!!! Sending all of my love to you!!! ❤
Mary Spencer you are a wonderful writer and deep thinker. I love all you writings.
Thank you for always reading, that means SO much to me!! 🙂