God and I go back and forth in this tug-of-war with control. He’s always going to win, yes I know that, but somehow I find myself face down in the mud clinging to a rope that has been pulled to a side I wasn’t prepared to cross.
We’ve been talking about this a lot lately, God and I, about why I don’t trust Him enough to know He has my best interests at heart.
I swear I’m trying.
I’ve felt my soul tugging in two directions, and I just want God to tell me what’s going on. I can get on board if I just know where we’re going.
There are many moments last year when I opened my Bible and went to church just because I felt like I needed to and not because I wanted to. I think going even when you don’t feel like it can often be good, but I know God’s desire is for me to want to spend time with Him.
Growing up, there is no telling how many times I’ve read the book of Matthew. There was even a time a few years ago when I read through the Gospels several times over the span of many months, but it wasn’t until recently that I learned something that I have not been able to stop thinking about.
When Jesus has The Last Supper with the disciples, He tells them that one of them will betray Him. One by one, each disciple asked “Is it I, Lord?”
All except one, that is, asked Him that. Judas’ response was, “Is it I, Rabbi?”
I’ve never thought about that distinction until I heard someone discussing it.
Jesus was not Lord in Judas’ life. He was Rabbi, a Jewish scholar / teacher.
I don’t want Jesus to just be a teacher in my life, although sometimes that is what I treat Him as. I want Him to be Lord. I want to know Him like I know a friend.
I don’t want to be willing to betray His love, His will, His plan. I want to have Him on the throne of my heart and quit this boxing match where it’s really just me vs. me.
When it was evening, he reclined at the table with the twelve. And as they were eating, he said, “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” And they were very sorrowful and began to say to him one after another, “Is it I, Lord?” He answered, “He who has dipped his hand in the dish with me will betray me.
The Son of Man goes as it is written of him, but woe to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would have been better for that man if he had not been born.” Judas, who would betray him, answered, “Is it I, Rabbi?” He said to him, “You have said so.” – Matthew 26:20-25
If we seek God out as the personal Lord of our lives, it shifts everything in us. What and who we turn to for comfort, what decisions we make, and how we navigate our lives with courageous clarity.
I’ll get off my soap box now and make way for the King. He’s here, alive, and so much more than a teacher. He’s my greatest friend and Savior.